wondering.

I was looking through pictures today. I have a dear friend of mine who just had her baby boy and with me, and probably with all moms, the new baby makes me want to look at pictures of when my girls were babies. When they were so tiny. Just little 7 and 5 pounders.

But I have this problem when I look at pictures of when they were babies. I'm not too sure that I can even truly describe how I feel when I look at them. But it's extremely crushing to look at pictures of Maddy in her infant and early toddler stages.

Even in this wonderful time where she is getting so much better and her future is looking so bright. It is still exceptionally hard.

I see her bright smiles and goofy grins. She was such a beautiful infant.

I find myself searching those pictures for some kind of sign. Some kind of hint. Where was it? When was it? When did autism begin to creep in? Can I see it?

And I can. and it's not necessarily IN the pictures themselves but in the absence of them. There is quite a stretch of time that I don't really have any pictures. Of any of the girls. And I can make all the excuses in the world about how busy we were with 2 toddlers and a preschooler but the fact remains that the pictures aren't there. There are a few. But not the magnitude of them before and after.

Then there are the Easter pictures from last year and when Maddy hurt her finger. And I almost get physically ill just thinking about that time.

The case could be made that the wounds are still too open and raw. I haven't had time for real, true, healing from that time. What a dark dark time. I think it was by far the hardest time in my life. And I have had alot of hard times. Trust me. And I probably have many more to come...that's just how life is. Good times and hard times.

The Easter pictures are cute but you cannot ignore the vacant look on Maddy's face. The hollowness of her stare. The fact that she wouldn't even look at the camera most times. And it was so....instant. Yet at the time, it wasn't. But looking at the dates and the pictures .... she has a bright smile in January and by April she was vacant.

She had underlying issues all along. I know this. But seeing them in photographic bibliography...it looks so sudden.

Example: here is the two of us in January of 2010

Here she is in April of 2010. Yes a very cute picture and she just got a haircut. But I could not get her to look at me or the camera.

I do love both of those pictures. I think her Easter picture is cute. But I remember all of what wasn't happening in her while taking that picture.

I bring up this subject because every year I make a photobook for each of their grandparents and for us to have. I am not a scrapbooker (scrapper) and I don't have time to post pictures all the time. But every January, I sit down for several hours and create these photobooks for the prior year. And I love those books!

This year. It just wasn't getting done. And at first I blamed it on my very real and very busy schedule. But then today while I'm sick with the stomach flu, it donned on me. The real reason why I hadn't made those books yet.

I can't face last year.

Not yet.

It's gut wrenching to think of where we were. I KNOW where we are now. And I need to stay in the "how we are doing now" mentality and not focus on where we were. Not yet.

I wonder when exactly I will be able to deal with then.

And I don't think anyone can tell me the answer to that unless they have been where I have. I don't know any other mothers of recovered autistic children. How sad is that. Sad for all those moms out there.

I remember Catherine Maurice writing about how she would watch Anne-Marie after she had been recovered and how she would be searching for any sort of missed sign of autism. She wondered when she would stop doing that. Nice to know that's natural.

Maddy isn't 100% fully recovered at this point. But it is quite clear that she will be someday. 

Don't get me wrong. I am completely THRILLED beyond measure and THANKFUL beyond depth that Maddy is doing so amazing. This isn't any kind of pity party. Just the reality of the emotion of being a mother.

I don't know if I will ever be able to fully talk about the "dark time" and I'm sure all of my girls will ask about it. I can be thankful that I will able to have a conversation with Maddy about this time in her life and that she will fully comprehend and have an actual conversation with me about it.

I can be exceptionally happy with that.