how life is different now.

"Come on, friends! Let's pray!" Maddy exclaimed last night during supper. Ever the vigilante about mealtime prayer, Maddy makes sure we always thank God before, during, and after we eat.

Which is fitting. We should be ever thankful. For so many reasons.

Every night at supper, we sit around the table and talk about our favorite events of the day. We knew things were changing in February when Maddy started asking "what your day of the day?" - her version of what's your favorite time of the day today? and now she can answer for herself, whatever small thing it is, from going outside to play to eating Dora fruit snacks or playing at the church. And last night when she shouted that out during favorite time, I burst out laughing and Justin affirmed that that very moment was his favorite time of the day.

We are in the full swing of summer now. The summer schedule....which is...really...nothing. Both of the twins still have speech on Fridays and Maddy is doing a peer group speech session that involves 1 hour of peer time with her same speech teacher, Jen, and two other boys who have very limited speech. It is amazing to see our little chatterbox in a room with boys teaching them how to speak more. Sure, she has her own social speech issues to learn...she still answers the question: How are you? with I'm Maddy! but I cut her some slack since Maelle only just learned to answer that question with good, or fine, or great. If everything remains on schedule, she will learn that herself in about a month from now and I am thankful that she will learn it and the gap is no further than it always has been. Maelle is definitely more lingual and precise where Maddy is more physical and care-free. Maelle is shy and Maddy is overly outgoing.  Ah, twins.

And that is how life is different now. I really do have twins again.

Yesterday I was working downstairs trying to organize my basement and I began reflecting on the contrast from last year to this year. First of all, let me just say that organizing my basement is an understatement. I tell everyone that now that we are done with ABA...my goal is to recover my house. Housework took a beyond the backseat position in my priorities last year and I'm seeing the results now. Thankfully, it's just stuff and it really doesn't matter when it gets cleaned or organized....just as long as it does.

So reflecting last year, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't have twins last year, I had a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and 1 year old who was becoming increasingly younger stuck in a 2 year old body. That doesn't sound very pretty or nice. It sounds kind of mean and it's not meant to sound mean, at all, just the reality of having a child regressing so quickly into autism.

Now...the twins play together. Now I have the challenge of having 2 three year olds. And that is a challenge. Most people will tell you that the "terrible twos" is a sham and really three is the major challenge and I will concur. 3 is awful and great at the same time. They are old enough that they can do some things, they don't need minute by minute supervision....but they probably should have it for the things they come up with. 2 minutes of silence is 2 minutes too long. Lesson learned yesterday when they were both downstairs and quiet. I discover them eating a bag of lollypop suckers. AN ENTIRE BAG. They are covered in the sweet sticky goodness with grins on their faces and hair matted to their faces. Partners in crime. I have learned to laugh about these things and i threw them both in the bathtub...where they played for a good 30 minutes talking their Ariel dolls and swimming and laughing.

Now...I can explain things to her and know that if she doesn't get it, I can find ways in my own brain to explain it to her. I am capable of mothering my kids regardless of how incompetent I feel. That's the truth. That's the sneaky thing about motherhood...no one really warns you how dumb you will feel when you are in charge and you have no idea what you are doing. Marching through autism has taught me that. It has thickened my skin - so to say - and allowed me to take charge of my life, my kids, and my happiness. And ABA has taught me a new way of explaining things to all my kids, not just Maddy. I think I use my ABA brain more on Maelle and Eva than Maddy these days.

Now...the girls can spend the day with their great grandma and aunt and I have minimal worry. I don't have to be the mother hawk all day hovering over everything they do but I can let them spread their wings with others and know that it's ok. And for those watching them, I know how difficult the task of 3 kids is...but how much easier it is now than it was then. Then, it was not possible to leave them with anyone. Not for the sake that no one was capable, because people were....but it was beyond overwhelming to care for Maddy - let alone the other two.

Now...I've learned to worry less and love more. Maddy has her quirks and I hope someday we can lessen them but I'm not overly concerned about her future anymore than I am of my other girls. Sure....we all worry about our kids but I know she has a bright future just like Eva does and just like Maelle

Now...not one person could look at Maddy and say to me "she seems Autistic to me" (a phrase I will NEVER say about any child. The child has autism...but they are not autistic. It does NOT define them....you have cancer you are not canceric, are you?)  - she looks and acts like every other three year old on the playground.

and Now, I must go because Maddy just walked up to me and asked for a Handy Manny band-aid for her boo-boo so it will make it all better. then - maddy might have known she had a boo-boo but surely wouldn't have done anything about it. She would have never thought to find me, to seek help, to ask for help, that band-aids are to make boo-boo's better or that they even exist, and that Handy Manny has band aids and that we own some of those said band-aids.

oh how life is different now. and how forever thankful I am to God for that. So come on friends, let's pray and give thanks for such a wonderful blessing.