happily mistaken.

Today I sat on the arm of my couch and looked out the window. (I know and yes, my mother did teach me that I shouldn't sit on the arm of furniture, but I still do it. I am teaching my kids horrible habits as I have never once told them not to do it. I let them jump on it too. shock and awe.) I was staring out there waiting to watch Justin drive by, off to his conference. The skies were gray and the clouds were telling me that it would be snowing soon.

I was feeling melancholy at the departure of my husband. After ten years of being together as a couple and married for eight of those years, he is my constant. I do feel a bit lost and a bit not all together with him gone. My best friend through it all. I love him more than words.

I heard a small creature clamber up beside me and from the corner of my eye, I saw a pink shirt and sandy hair. I heard, "what cha doing, Mommy?"

I kept staring out the window and said, "I'm just watching for Daddy to drive across. He's at Dennis' getting ready to go."

And as I turned to look at who I thought was my Eva, I found Maddy. I shook my head a little and smiled. "I thought you were Eva."

She shook her head, "No, I'm Maddy, Mommy."

"I know that, silly. I know. You just sounded like Eva."

To which, she just shrugged and pretended to fall off the arm of the couch into the game of Save me, Mommy.  And I was left a little dumbfounded.

First let me address the obvious...Eva has sandy blond hair and Maddy's is kinda sandy brown...so how could I mistake blonde from brown? Well, Maddy has natural blond highlights on the top of her head and close around her face. Eva's hair also is how mine used to be where it would be almost bleach blonde in the summer from the sun and then sandy in the winter...so in a quick corner glance, it's easy to do.

She spoke like Eva. Eva, the first born, has never sounded like a baby. She started talking around 1 year and she always sounded like a grownup. There wasn't any baby speak or toddler speak...she just spoke. Maddy has toddler speak. Where they leave unimportant words out...or they phrase them differently: "what are you doing" in toddler speech is "what you doing".

And I, thinking that I am talking to Eva, responded in a way that I would to her. I told her exactly what I was doing...where if I knew it had been Maddy, I would have said, "oh just looking out the window to see when Daddy comes by"

It's a funny thing. How differently you talk to each of your kids. And I never really realized it until that moment.

But more importantly, I took that one quiet moment to realize that even when I try to relax and not worry about Maddy. When I try not look for any kinds of regression, that I really don't. Until I get a moment like that. An innocent moment that any parent has with their kids and mistaking them for someone else. But the fact that I could mistake Maddy for Eva was beautiful.

Not that Maddy needs to strive to be Eva.

Maddy will always be Maddy...with her quirks. And her love. And her literal words.

Eva will always be Eva...with her drama. And her love. And her big sister teaching.

Maelle will always be Maelle...with her temper. And her love. And her mothering.

Maddy has been sick alot this year. Any kid who is sick all the time is not their usual selves. They can be whiney, or clingy, or crabby, or distant. Maddy is absorbed and has a hard time focusing her attention when she is sick. It's normal...her Daddy is the same way when he is sick. He goes off to his own planet of sickness. It's also frustrating and worrisome for me. Because I have a huge part of my brain that knows she is fine. Then there is that other part of my brain...the autism mom brain...that is ticking away concerns and observations. And no matter how hard I try, Autism Mom Brain is really hard to shut up when Maddy acts distant.

She will be having her adenoids removed next week and tubes put in her ears. Yuck for surgery but having done part of this procedure on Maelle and seeing the major improvements, I know it is worth it.

Also worth it was our experience in the doctor's office when Maddy willingly let the good doctor look in her ears and nose. Then let him spray in her nose and shove a snake like light up her nose with minimal complaint. She was bright eyed, alert, and friendly....the Maddy that we all know and love.

Explaining to him her journey and see the shock and amazement on his face. The slow smile that crept across his face as he understood the gravity of Maddy. To hear him say what a miraculous child she is....

...that quiets Autism Mom Brain. And it makes me ever so thankful for the love and the journey that is Maddy.