hard knocks.

We found out last week that in July when we thought Maddy had received a "preliminary" diagnosis of ASD...it was in reality the actual diagnosis of Autism.

I can't really explain the number that did to my soul.

I got mixed reply about it. Some felt my hurt. Others saw it as good for our fight against insurance. I see both points. But pre-cancerous cells sounds a heck of alot better than cancer doesn't it? So does preliminary when placed before Autism.

Sigh. My heart hurts.

We're in the fight and just realized from the headquarters that we're in a war. Crap. We're gonna fight the same way but it just became a bigger foe than we anticipated.

And fighting Autism is like a war. Believe me. My heart go out to all my fellow warriors fighting to recover their children from the greedy arms of the dark, hallow enemy.

Sometimes I wish I was just being overly dramatic. I can be that way by nature but in this case, I am not. Really. I'm not. Autism creeps in slowly and before you know it, your child has changed. Slowly being engulfed by something that we cannot see, taste, hear, touch, or smell. Cannot be measured by a microscope or a blood test.

There are so many ups and downs. Yes, we got accepted into SKILLS and our curriculum is going to be handed to us in a few short weeks...but all the work is ongoing. We're so blessed to have this opportunity. The battle is really hard.

Maddy held my hand for 3 seconds the other day. She reached for me and gave me a hug. She asked for some more water. She asked for some "help" to "open" a pudding container. She asked me to "open gate" when she wanted to come in for supper. She laid on the floor on the other side of the Little People Play House as her twinie Maelle, sat on the other side and they took the Little People in and out of the door both jabbering away in a mix of "twin speak" and actual words. These are all glorious things. Phenomenal things. Things I wasn't sure would ever ever happen.

We took family pictures on Saturday and were quickly reminded at just how far Maddy has to go yet. It wasn't an absolute disaster, by any means, but it wasn't fun either. Maddy tantrumed, cried, ran like a crazy monkey child in and out of the portrait studios. She would not sit. She would not stand. She would not smile. We did manage to get a family picture with her smiling and ONE picture with her by herself with a smile. That was good for us. We called it a wrap. If you think 3 kids (with twins) is tiring...add autism to the mix and it just got exhausting.

Add the ABA, Speech, Occupational Therapy to the mix. Then preschool for the other kids. Early Intervention. Church. Bible study. The housework. Cooking. Our dogs/cats. Laundry. Driving everywhere (it takes us 1.5 hours ONE way for Speech and OT and we do that two times a week...that's 6 hours out of our week just driving).

I'm tired.

But I'm doing this for you, Maddy Girl. For you. Because God gave me you...He trusted me with such a precious jewel and I know He wouldn't leave me alone with you. Steadily, He is guiding us, holding us, crying with us, smiling with us, laughing with us, and cherishing the joy that you bring. He will bring you through this. For whatever reason, He chose me to be your mother. A blessing that, at times, I wonder what exactly He saw in me to give me such a responsibility. You are going to do great things. Your joy could teach us all a lesson or two. I know that I've said that before. I will say it again.

You are His child and I'm doing everything I can to trust in that. To be the best Mommy that I can be to you. To help bring you out of Autism's shadows and into the light of the world around you. You're bright, Maddy Girl. Super bright. 

Mommy loves you. Always. 

I'm tired but I will never ever be too tired for you.