search no more.

Yesterday I took the twins for a "fun day" as Eva was off to watch Barney Live with Justin. We did mostly shopping with a quick trip at the indoor playground. I'm not sure how much "fun" they would tell you it was, but surely it had to be better than the usual trip to see Jen and Heidi (their SLPs), Target, and back home in time to pick up E.

We were in Menards (yes, i realize that NOTHING about Menards sounds fun, and if you are wondering what Menards is - think walmart but with tools and home improvement....we needed dog food, thus the trip....) and they were over at the early Christmas display playing around. In that moment, it was like my watchful autism brain clicked off and I watched the two of them pretend to be in a castle with soldiers and reindeer and Christmas trees. They made up little games and danced to the music. They giggled and twirled and did what every other little 3 year old girl does at the thought of Christmas, snow, and dazzling lights. They were so normal. So free.

I decided in that moment that I could start to stop. Stop analyzing. Stop looking. Stop trying to control what I cannot possibly control. It's not up to me. I know this. I knew this. But it's a big step to decide that you aren't going to look for it anymore. You aren't going to make any potential arguments for a wrong remission diagnosis. There is nothing wrong.

There is nothing wrong.

She can be literal. So what.

She can hate loud sounds. So what.

She can still detest sandwiches. So what.

Those silly little things do not amount to anything other than quirks that make Maddy who she is. without autism.

I can live in agony of fear or I can live now. I can appreciate now. I can trust that if, God forbid, she regresses, that He will show me. He will tell me. He will guide me. Just like He did before. He is above Autism. I am not.

I'm in the process of cleaning out our spare room to make it into an office (yes, I am going to write a book...you all are going to buy it, right?!) and it's a mess. Okay, it's a catastrophe. Seriously. I thought for a moment to take a picture to prove it's awfulness but then quickly said no. I don't really NEED to prove that. Just trust me. Imagine a year of ABA materials piled into a room. Then remember Maddy's rate of growth and how much we FLEW through ABA...you get the visual picture. Data sheets. EVERYWHERE.

In this process, I found the yellow book.

The Yellow Book (no, not the phone book...haha...does anyone still use those? I digress...) was our communication source from ABA therapist to the next. We wrote (when we remembered) updates, how our sessions went, how Maddy is doing and so forth. So many memories came flooding back. I remember opening that book and staring so blankly at the first page trying, willing, myself to think of something super inspirational to write. I didn't find anything. So it was a boring "hey, this is what we are doing. you guys rock." type of entry to the beginning of our journey. Woo.

And of course, I'm going to keep it. Like so many things from the ABA journey. I don't know where I'm gonna store all of it but I can't let it go. And it reminded me of the inevitable.

Telling Maddy someday.

Eva is almost 5.5 and while she knows that April is Autism month, she hasn't asked yet why we care so much about Autism. I don't know if she knows that Maddy had autism. I think she might but at 5.5, there isn't too much detail needed for her brain. But there will be. And I don't know, really, how to explain it to her.

Oh I know, there are books on this very topic. Telling your other children about their sibling's autism. But this is not that generic. Maddy had autism. We did therapy. God is awesome and she's better now. That's not enough.

I'm not going to hide it. I will tell her. I will tell Maelle. I will tell Maddy. I mean, how could they not know. I just don't really know how. I am trusting that God will give me some awesome words and mothering ability. To explain what I don't know if I understand.

Seems silly to worry about that now. I just want to make it a good thing. An awesome, inspiring thing. Yes, she had autism...but she's so great now! Look at her! God can do some really amazing things! That whole "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" verse is real.

Either way, I know I should make some type of mental preparation as history shows (the yellow book) that given the last minute, I am not very creative. I think I probably would say "why do we talk about autism? Oh cuz Maddy had it but God rocks and now she doesn't" and hope that was enough. And while most kids would be fine with that...Maddy will want to know a heck of alot more. I know I would if it were me!

So let me mull that around for awhile, for now, I can say I'm done searching for what is not there. So, Autism, your grip is over. Farewell. I'm gonna let you go now too.