I'm an emotional mess right now.
Bear with me.
I am preparing to leave for a national conference for a company that I work for. It's a part time job - it was way more full time last year when things were much different. Now it has slid into the part time position because raising my girls, especially Maddy, is a very full time job with not much of time for anything else besides finding my sanity.
I have never been one to get too upset about leaving my kids. I mean, yes, I MISS THEM and I am sad but I have always looked at it as much needed time to help me regroup and be a better mom to them because I had the break.
This time I am a wreck.
Because to Maddy...I am her world. And when I am gone, her world is unpredictable, unsafe, and scary.
Any kid loves predictability but a child on the spectrum CRAVES, NEEDS, WANTS, REQUIRES predictability. It is their main focus and goal of the day - for all to go exactly as planned. If all does NOT go as planned.....well, bad things happen.
Maddy does well with certain curve balls of life. She does better when I am there. She can manage for a day or so...two days....three is pushing it. I am going to be gone for four days. And not only am I gone but she will be moved around alot.
With people I love and trust and who LOVE HER and her quirks beyond measure....
and I know she'll be fine on day one and most of day two but three is going to be tricky and four....well....yeah.
And I don't say this, to build myself up as if I am some kind of SUPER mom. I'm not. (I actually fail quite often and epically at being a good mom. I am human, afterall.) She just prefers me. She has always preferred me in a way that I can't even fully articulate. Even at her worst, she always tried her best to connect with me. Even when she was staring off into the abyss and rocking her body back and forth...she made an effort to connect with me.
Kids usually do fine when the parents are gone. In fact, alot of time their behavior is BETTER when their parents aren't around but it's only true to a point. And missing me is very difficult for Maddy.
For the last two weeks we have been working super hard at swimming lessons. Every day she has marched her little body to the pool's edge and slowly but surely she has accepted the water. From Day 1 to Day 7 - she has been progressing. Swimming in an outdoor pool is a bit of a sensory nightmare and add her limited trunk rotation on her body...it's hard. She's in a class of kids much younger than she is but she's doing it. She is finally doing it!!
Today I had to miss her lesson as I had appointments to do before leaving for the conference. I was gone most of the day and she is used to having me gone for a day but when I came home - she was so overly excited. "MAMA! YOU ARE HOME!!! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!" as she ran into my arms.
I hugged her back and then asked, "How was swimming today?"
"Oh Mama, I can't swim as well when you aren't there."
"I'm sure you swam fine! Did you have fun?"
"Yes but you weren't there."
I am not going to see everything my kids do. I'm not. I can't. It's impossible.
Friday she finds out if she passes her swimming lesson. The lesson/level that she has been working at for 3 years. The lesson (lesson 1) that most kids find super easy to do. Friday I will be in Nashville.
Missing big milestones for a girl who works SO HARD is exactly that: SO HARD.
I know she'll be fine. She'll make it. I'll make it. We'll both become stronger because of it. But I won't deny how incredibly hard it is. Because we have to work SO HARD to get a WIN. We have to work so hard to have a good day. To reach those milestones. To do those things that no one thought she could do. To do those things that can come so easily to everyone else.
Even missing one is tough.
So pray for me. And for Maddy. And for all those Mamas out there that have to miss those big moments. Pray that we remember that sometimes the biggest milestones are just the ability to be there on the day to day things. Pray that we stay thankful in the achievements that each day brings us.
oh and if you want to pray that Maddy passes level 1 of swimming, you can totally do that too :)
Bear with me.
I am preparing to leave for a national conference for a company that I work for. It's a part time job - it was way more full time last year when things were much different. Now it has slid into the part time position because raising my girls, especially Maddy, is a very full time job with not much of time for anything else besides finding my sanity.
I have never been one to get too upset about leaving my kids. I mean, yes, I MISS THEM and I am sad but I have always looked at it as much needed time to help me regroup and be a better mom to them because I had the break.
This time I am a wreck.
Because to Maddy...I am her world. And when I am gone, her world is unpredictable, unsafe, and scary.
Any kid loves predictability but a child on the spectrum CRAVES, NEEDS, WANTS, REQUIRES predictability. It is their main focus and goal of the day - for all to go exactly as planned. If all does NOT go as planned.....well, bad things happen.
Maddy does well with certain curve balls of life. She does better when I am there. She can manage for a day or so...two days....three is pushing it. I am going to be gone for four days. And not only am I gone but she will be moved around alot.
With people I love and trust and who LOVE HER and her quirks beyond measure....
and I know she'll be fine on day one and most of day two but three is going to be tricky and four....well....yeah.
And I don't say this, to build myself up as if I am some kind of SUPER mom. I'm not. (I actually fail quite often and epically at being a good mom. I am human, afterall.) She just prefers me. She has always preferred me in a way that I can't even fully articulate. Even at her worst, she always tried her best to connect with me. Even when she was staring off into the abyss and rocking her body back and forth...she made an effort to connect with me.
Kids usually do fine when the parents are gone. In fact, alot of time their behavior is BETTER when their parents aren't around but it's only true to a point. And missing me is very difficult for Maddy.
For the last two weeks we have been working super hard at swimming lessons. Every day she has marched her little body to the pool's edge and slowly but surely she has accepted the water. From Day 1 to Day 7 - she has been progressing. Swimming in an outdoor pool is a bit of a sensory nightmare and add her limited trunk rotation on her body...it's hard. She's in a class of kids much younger than she is but she's doing it. She is finally doing it!!
Today I had to miss her lesson as I had appointments to do before leaving for the conference. I was gone most of the day and she is used to having me gone for a day but when I came home - she was so overly excited. "MAMA! YOU ARE HOME!!! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!" as she ran into my arms.
I hugged her back and then asked, "How was swimming today?"
"Oh Mama, I can't swim as well when you aren't there."
"I'm sure you swam fine! Did you have fun?"
"Yes but you weren't there."
I am not going to see everything my kids do. I'm not. I can't. It's impossible.
Friday she finds out if she passes her swimming lesson. The lesson/level that she has been working at for 3 years. The lesson (lesson 1) that most kids find super easy to do. Friday I will be in Nashville.
Missing big milestones for a girl who works SO HARD is exactly that: SO HARD.
I know she'll be fine. She'll make it. I'll make it. We'll both become stronger because of it. But I won't deny how incredibly hard it is. Because we have to work SO HARD to get a WIN. We have to work so hard to have a good day. To reach those milestones. To do those things that no one thought she could do. To do those things that can come so easily to everyone else.
Even missing one is tough.
So pray for me. And for Maddy. And for all those Mamas out there that have to miss those big moments. Pray that we remember that sometimes the biggest milestones are just the ability to be there on the day to day things. Pray that we stay thankful in the achievements that each day brings us.
oh and if you want to pray that Maddy passes level 1 of swimming, you can totally do that too :)
