the R word.

Tis the season....for Regression.

If you have been following Maddy from the beginning of her journey, you would know by now that Maddy has "regression spells" for lack of a catchy phrase. (we'll call it - The Icky R)

Every 90 days Maddy goes though a period of time where she has extreme behavioral regression. She is combatant, angry, unfocused, and flat out FRUSTRATED with the world. This happens every 90 days or so of her life. And always, it ends as abruptly as it starts only her brain has conquered something new. Rhyming, skipping, solving Mario levels, learning social norms - all of these things have literally emerged overnight from one of her regression periods.

The last one we had was very minimal and she emerged with better handwriting skills. The one before that, in April - was awful. It was the worse one that all of us had encountered. It lasted two weeks and was the worst two weeks I have experienced in a few years. It was very rough and I don't accurately know what she learned to end it all.

I was beginning to see signs of this one coming. Sometimes she just had bad days - we all have those - but day 2 confirmed it. She is in it. Thankfully, so far, she has been sleeping which is new - usually her regression periods always accompany lack of sleep, making her even more irritable.

Yesterday, I saw tears in her eyes as she said to me, "Mommy, my sisters just can't understand me. I can't get my brain to explain me."

And I nodded and hugged her. As the tears fell from her eyes, I could feel the inner struggle inside of her.

Isn't that one of life's greatest fears? To feel like no one understands you? That you are alone.

I held her tight and whispered to her, "Don't worry, Maddy. I will always work to understand you. I will always be your Mommy and I will always do my best to help you. Always."

She pulled away from me and smiled a bit. This cheered her up. Because she is six. And at six, as long as Mommy understands then all is well.

I will not be enough for her in a few years.

In a few years, the evident social awkwardness that is already emerging will be even more stifling.

At home we work on simple things like 'playing with dolls' as Maddy doesn't have much of a concept of why or how to play dolls. I think she understands it on a surface level but ultimately the purpose of pretending to have conversations and continually dress and undress dolls seems insignificant to her. At least when she plays a video game, she has a purpose: Defeat the level. There isn't much of a concrete purpose to playing dolls. So we work on it. She earns Wii time for playing dolls nicely with her sisters. Not because I want her to be a robot but because I want her to attempt to experience what it is like. To have that social time. To practice conversations. To practice the elegant fine motor skill of dressing dolls.

Many days I am forever grateful for Maelle and Eva for their patience. For their love. For sharing the excitement of a video game. Maelle hates video games but everyday she also practices "playing video games" with Maddy so that they can bond closer. Not because I asked her to or I make her. Because she wants that time with her sister. My heart overflows. Many Barbies have become friends with Mario stuffies so that all can play.

This morning in the middle of the Icky R - I heard Maddy exclaim "MAELLE - I WISH YOU DIDN"T EXIST!"

Maelle, in tears, "But Maddy, I LOVE YOU. I do everything for you!"and as I separate the two, I hear Eva say to Maelle, "Maelle, you know she doesn't mean it."

And I am conflicted. I feel upset and horrible that Maddy yells such things and yet proud of Eva to quickly take on the consoling role to help her sister.

I know ALL siblings - especially sisters, I am told (I don't know, I never had a sister but I probably did tell my brother that I hated him sometime in our childhood) say these things. They do. They are children. Their emotions are worn on their sleeves and are ready to burst at any given moment.

I know they all have these moments.

Yet coupling it with the Icky R - when Eva and Maelle will experience Maddy shouting, screaming, hitting, biting, and everything else - it doesn't help the situation. And it's really nothing that I can accurately describe because most people who have not experienced Autism Meltdowns or Regression will only see a very bratty child.

I have been told, "wow, are you sure she has/had autism? She just seems like a brat to me."

I kept my mouth shut but I wanted to say something. But yet, i can't say that I wouldn't have thought the same thing before Maddy.

It's tough. We will get through it. Maddy will come out better and have an acquired new skill. We will all adjust. Life with Maddy is great - she is the brains of this operation - we all know that. Eva is the dreamer and Maelle is the heart.

It doesn't come without tears.

But nothing worth it does.