the fine line.

I know that I have blogged about this before.

I just can't get it off my mind.

And it's not a pity thing.

I think it's just an ever constant reminder. For myself and for those around me.

Things are never as easy as they seem. Nor are they ever what exactly they appear to be.

My daughter has autism. Yes, she has what is called Autistic Disorder: Remission (residual state). People assume this means she is *snap your fingers* back to "normal functioning" and that is just not the reality.

The reality is not that at all.

What it means that 4 years ago she had a moderately severe form of autism where she did not speak, she did not function, she did not at all possess any of the mannerisms of a 2  year old child. Some age levels placed her at 6 months old.

What it means is that a team of us worked very hard to get her to the Remission status that she is now.

It does NOT mean she isn't without her quirks and tendencies. It does NOT mean she does not still have meltdowns. Or have auditory sensory issues. Or think with a very literal brain. Or have a social disadvantage.

If you compare then and now: you will see stark and very drastic differences. You will.

And if someone would have told me then what life would be like now, I wouldn't have believed them.

I know this.

It does not, however, make the regressions, the aggressions, the meltdowns, the communications deficits, the social awkwardness any easier.

We are well beyond her normal length of regression time. And I could argue that the inconsistency of the holidays (Christmas and New Years) probably added to it.

However, her behavior is: not okay.

I am worn down. I am in tears most days. I am feeling very defeated in how to help my girl.

We will be calling Dr. MAL and will see what she advises or finds. Until then, we will be on strict schedule mode. What does this mean? It means that every second of our day will be planned, arranged and scheduled. Bedtime cannot budge. We cannot be spontaneous. We must make the day as clearly defined as possible. It is really the only thing that helps Maddy improve and to be honest, I hate it. I am not a "scheduled" person. I just am not. But if I must be, I must.

People don't get it. I know that. It's OK. I wouldn't get it either before I had her. And the worst part is, how completely and utterly isolating it is.

I'm sure people assume I am self absorbed. And really - the REALITY - I have to be "Maddy absorbed" - for her to work out of this - she has to be 100% completely managed. Yes, I said managed. It sounds awful but it is the best way to describe life with a child with autism - regression, remission, or severally affected - and as much as I want her little creative wings to fly....right now they would crash her into a tree.

So I return to Psalm 46 on my knees and in tears for my heart weeps for my girl.
 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah."