Tuesday, March 17, 2015

burden of the brain.

All of Maddy's therapy is either starting or set up to start soon. The reality of our new reality is hitting me harder than I would like to admit.

I feel like I am drowning.

I feel like suddenly I am required to do 10,000 tasks in 10 minutes. So many things that need to be done. So many things that demand my attention.

Only I am one little person.

One small person struggling in an ocean of doubt and fear.

I have been down this road before. But yet, I have not. Everything is different now.

Everything.

The places may be the same but Maddy is different. Dare I say that taking a two year old to therapy is easy?! But in some ways it is. Physically it is not. It's exhausting but mentally, it's not earth shattering. You strap her in the car seat, carry her to the room, listen to a tantrum maybe and on your merry way. Now....she is six going on seventeen. She has questions. Thoughts. Opinions. Demands. Requirements. Requests. Negotiation. The WHY. Physically she is easy but mentally - good night. My brain is done.

Why do I need to go back to this stuff? What is wrong with me? Why can't I do what everyone else does? Is it because I am dumb? Am I weird? Am I stupid?

No matter how hard I can completely reject her fears of being different or less than - she is old enough to know that her sisters don't have to do this stuff and no matter how hard I try to gloss over THE WHY...I know her brain is smarter than that. No, honey, you are not less than - some people just struggle with some things and others don't. God made you and He made you awesome. Sometimes you just have to work a bit harder than other kids but it will always be worth it.

Insert the groan.

Or the eye roll.

Truth. She has all the makings of a teenager in a six year old body.

It's hard. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to complain. I am going to be honest. Brutally honest. Regardless of how "severe" of a problem it is, it's still a problem. You still have to look into her deep brown eyes and convince her that she is amazing. The world is going to keep telling her that she is not but you have to get in there and INSTILL in her that God made her amazing. How do I teach her to be amazing when I feel that I am not? That's the brutal truth right there. I have struggled - my entire life - with feeling like I was never good enough for anyone. Ever.

When you get past the physical and sensory issues that she struggles with....then you get to social norms. Social norms for an introvert like me is a nightmare. I hate small talk. I do. Sorry. I still like you, but I begrudgingly will only talk about the weather so long before I decide I was better off staying home.

How do I teach my daughter the proper ways of the social world when I hate them?

I have such lovely people asking me how they can help me. I have no clue. I really don't. Like the question gets asked and I feel instant Doe in headlight look on my face. All thoughts have left my head and I have nothing. Like - Nothing.

I don't know.

I don't even really have a clue how I am going to survive the next five minutes. The triage in my brain has mastered the day down to a series of essential for survival tasks but after that?? After that, I have lists miles long that either involve reading huge books about sensory processing disorder, or finally getting to the laundry that has been piling up for 2 weeks, or figuring out a way to fix my stupid dishwasher that will only wash the bottom half of the dishes because I have managed to break that somehow, or remembering that Maelle needs help practicing her piano, or Eva has yet to hear anything encouraging out of me today, or when was the last time I cleaned the litter box, and did I write any of the 20 thank you cards that I was supposed to write and what the heck did I need to buy at Target so we have food to eat and did I pay any bills this month and when will Justin be gone again this week and Maddy needs to do starfish again and when did she shower last...wait, when did I shower last?......

And then I feel the Spirit of the Lord say to me...sssssshhhhhhhhh....

I have to rest in that Holy shushing.

I know in my heart that He has got this.

Someone tell my brain that.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

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